| we'll dance off time to the songs we've never liked |
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| love is the answer |
[11 Nov 2009|02:00am] |
just sitting around thinking about all sorts of things.
i get obsessed with certain thoughts, too. not in a creepy way... but i over think and over-analyze.
the past month i took a break (one of three since january) from working out. between being really sick, moving and getting my period, i didn't have the energy to work out. but my diet went to absolute shit, too. the break went from the end of september (the 25th to be exact) until the middle/end of october. the funny thing is that as of right now, my weight is the lowest it's been.. yet i've gotten out of shape since september. it's frustrating stepping on the scale and see it getting lower for the wrong reasons. i'm not losing weight, i'm losing the muscle i worked hard to build. it's been extremely depressing lately. but i went through facebook and found pictures of me that i untagged because i looked horrible. however, i find these the best way for me to feel proud of what i've done; that, regardless of how shitty i may feel, i've come SO far. and i still have a ways to go.. but if i've gotten this far, i can keep going.
anyway, here are a few before & afters i put together for my own sanity.
( la la la )
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[28 Aug 2009|11:30pm] |
i fucking hate sitting at home on friday nights. it happens more often than not.
loooosssseeeerrrr.
i'm gonna go for a drive. just to get out (since my ass has been sitting in front of the computer screen since 6pm).
ugh.
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[28 Jul 2009|10:43pm] |
okay so not at ALL trying to toot my own horn here.. but i'm amazed at how much different i look. and i didn't realize it until just now. i've been so incredibly hard on myself since i lost weight, i haven't stopped to appreciate all my hard work. sure, i still have a bit longer until i reach my goal, but shit. i did a really good job.. considering i've been living unhealthily for 11 years of my life. it's tough changing habits that i've had for that long.
but i just looked at a picture of myself from last summer and holy shit. unreal.. i can't believe i let myself get that bad. i'm embarrassed for myself, really. looking at that picture really opened my eyes to my weight loss. it also motivates me to keep working really hard while i can. i can't imagine having this much time to focus on my health once i go back to school this spring.
another great event in my life is my dad's vioxx settlement. we actually won our lawsuit so we'll have some money in september. i can actually go back to school, take a much needed vacation and get some damn braces! haha. i'm so looking forward to that.
life is good. no matter what's missing, life is good. for now.
just for fun...
before
after
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[25 Jun 2009|10:50pm] |
i've come to terms with the fact that i'm losing the people i once called my best friends.
i think the hardest part of the situation is that i can't talk to them about it. it just eats up inside and i vent to people who don't understand the situation so it doesn't really help.
nothing has been the same between kathryn and i since we had a fight in november. the way she belittled me has made me hide my feelings from her. like how she just left my birthday party after a mere hour of being there for an entire night of fun at another birthday party. it just sucks that my best friend of 16 years so easily walked out on my 21st birthday. it hurt more than anyone will ever know, but i haven't been able to tell her that.
the saving grace is that i have really amazing new friends who i have a great time with and have plans with for the summer. instead of going to michigan with all the girls in 2 weeks, i've decided to go to indiana instead and spend the weekend with my cousin kym. i need some family time.. and i haven't seen her since tom petty last july. i know telling kathryn i'm bailing on michigan will upset her, but i just don't want to be around them.
all of this makes me feel so childish and immature. i don't know, i'm becoming an adult and if my friends aren't going to give a shit about me, i'm going to be done. i don't have time for this anymore.
also, the hangover was a huge disappointment for me. it wasn't nearly as funny as i thought it would be (don't get me wrong, i definitely laughed a decent amount). oie.
AND IF I HEAR 'BEAT IT' ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I WILL KILL SOMEONE!
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[03 May 2009|06:47pm] |
20 pounds down, 20 to go!
i really can't tell that i've lost 20 pounds. and in the grand scheme of things, that really isn't a lot of weight at all. but i'm proud of myself and can't wait to hit my goal this summer.
and i love that i'm wearing jean sizes that i haven't worn since freshman/sophomore year of high school.
one more time... yay!
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[12 Mar 2009|01:14am] |
guess who's lost 15 pounds?
this guy!
haha. i've been sticking to my workout/diet routine since the middle of january. i wasn't really seeing results in the beginning and, like always, almost gave up. but alas, i kept going and now i can see a difference. so, 15 down, 15 to go... for now. my goal is to lose that 15 by my birthday. i should lose some more, but i won't push for it too hard just yet. i'll probably plateau anyway.
either way, i've never been happier with myself. go me!
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[24 Feb 2009|10:03pm] |
goosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumpsgoosebumps
i'm going to see jimmy on saturday for their clarity anniversary show. i've been reading reviews and i got boosebumps like crazy! i can't fucking wait to hear goodbye sky harbor in its entirety (16 fucking minutes).
oijsddsjkhdfjk oh my gooddddd i am so pumped for this show!!!
this is time number 8 i believe. the first time i saw them (6 years ago) was at the metro so seeing them there again is exciting.
3 more days! :D:D:D
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[08 Dec 2008|12:36pm] |
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foo fighters - monkey wrench |
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ugh. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.
so first and foremost, i am 99.5% sure that i will be taking next semester off. i'm having issues with my loans and i never got my financial aid for this semester. i'm going tomorrow to talk to some financial aid people about it, but everything is fucked up. it's very upsetting, but i've been keeping my mind off of it by thinking about working full time and having money to help out at home. it really sucks though. it's not like i go to harper and i can take semesters off here and there. this definitely fucks things up. but if anyone has 20 grand i can go back to school haha.
i'm going to make sure i have everything figured out so i can either go to summer school or go back in the fall. there's no way i'm not going back by the fall.
!
last night i was chatting with my mom and she tells me that danny's mom came into her line at jewel and they were talking for a while. danny and maryanne aren't engaged anymore but are still roommates er whatever. and then she told my mom that she was relieved and happy and she always wished it was me not maryanne. and their entire family (even the few in florida) misses me. oie. that was a lot to take in last night. my mom told me i should text him and at least say hi but what for? in the past week we've messaged a little on facebook, but he didn't seem that interested in conversing with me. basically he just wanted to know if i would help out in his movie he's filming here in a couple weeks. i take that as the typical danny thing to do.. don't ask how i am, how i've been. just bring up what he's doing and that's all that matters.
if he at all misses me or our friendship, he hasn't made that clear whatsoever. so, me texting him out of nowhere 1. makes no sense and 2. looks like i'm only talking to him because i found out he's not engaged anymore. but most importantly, him not being engaged anymore doesn't make me feel that bad, nor does it make me want to jump into a strong friendship with him again. this doesn't take away how terrible he's made me feel the past 6 or 7 months.
i guess there's just a whole lot of confusion swirling around inside me right now. for the past few weeks i'd randomly think of fun things we've done or inside jokes we have. but then i would get pissed because i'd instantly remember the rude comments he's made and how he's ignored me completely. what's going to have to happen is we're going to need to talk when he comes back, whenever that is in the next few weeks. i never told him about how i felt in florida, and i was going to through a letter.. but i just gave up.
well, time to study for a final in my history class that i will surely fail. yay.
i'm so down on life right now. i haven't felt this depressed since i got fired and slept all day for weeks upon weeks. i just want to be financially secure and never have to worry about making rent, paying for my car, school... damn. after all the shit that has been thrown at me since i was 12, is that too much to ask for?
EDIT
12 hours later...
i believe i jinxed myself by writing this when i woke up.
while i was driving to school i was thinking an awful lot about danny and this whole situation. then i got to thinking about how my dad is going to be homeless and car-less in less than a month and there's nothing i can do to help. i was crying and thinking that things couldn't get much worse. i managed to pull myself together when i got to the parking garage at the train station.
my history final went okay. eh.
i was leaving the parking garage and alas, there was black ice and slush all down the ramp and i lose control of my car and smash into the wall. i thought for sure my car would be dented, but it turns out i hit a snow bank. phew, right? no. my wheel got fucked up and i really didn't trust driving my car. luckily sara was in her car behind me so she helped me out. i decided to try getting my car home by taking higgins home instead of 90. no. the alignment is so fucked up i pulled into a dominicks and left my car in the parking lot.
kdjghjfkghdfkjghdsfgdfgkj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
seriously, what.the.FUCK?!
i'm going to my car tomorrow to file a police report to i can claim it on my insurance. there's no way i can afford this on top of the other shit i already mentioned.
fuck this life, i need a new one.
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[13 Nov 2008|01:32am] |
i'm sick for the second time in a little over a month.
goddamnit. being sick the first time was okay.. you know, you sit around and milk it for all its worth. but it's the end of the semester and i really shouldn't miss my classes and i don't want to stop my work out routine. this blows. i was already sick! i'm hoping it's a sinus infection so i can get some antibiotics or something and get rid of it fast.
fuck my life
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[09 Nov 2008|01:11am] |
my brother got "laid off" today at lifetime. it was horrible. we cried together in an office and i want to crush his boss' skull on the curb. she's a sneaky lying bitch who could get canned for the shit she's pulled.
i feel so bad. he was so good at what he did and he worked his ass off.. and he had so many friends at work. oie.
on top of all that, he's the biggest financial support in the family. ugh.
we threw a party for him tonight, though. it turned out awesome.. tons of beer pong haha. it was so much fun yet it was hard to enjoy it knowing he wouldn't see these kids much more after this.
so now i'm really debating not going to school next semester. maybe i'll find a full time job and such so i can focus on helping out a little more. it all depends on whether or not i have to start paying back loans. i read somewhere that if you stop going to school for more than 6 months you have to start paying back loans. if that's the case i'll clearly be staying in school. but if not, i might take the semester off. as much as it sucks, i think it's for the best.
this really fucking blows.
oh yeah, the holidays are coming up. yay.
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[04 Nov 2008|11:31pm] |
it's so frustrating when most guys come up to you and say "oh, she's a cutie, hook me up with her". or.. "do you know any single girls you could introduce me to?"
am i chopped liver? i think it's so rude when people say this to me, and i get it a lot. luckily, i don't have feelings for any of the guys who have said this to me, but it's still the principle of the point. i'll always just be the funny sarcastic friend to all the guys. never the cute one that everyone wants to meet.
i feel like i'm 15 again, worrying about crap like this... but it does bug me.
halloween was awesome. i got drunk and had a blast.
tis all.
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[23 Oct 2008|01:40am] |
tonight i was hanging out with keith (always a good time). our friend dallas invited us to a party so we went over for a little.
i'm convinced that i got a contact high while we were in the garage... i mean, 2 bowls were going around haha. and since that one incident with jackie 3 years ago, i've only smoked twice. so yeah.
and i had 1 beer because i've become a beer lover for some unknown reason haha.
i came home and ate 10 chicken mcnuggets that were left over from when my mom came home from work. i downed those so fast it's scary.
anyway, i just thought that was funny. i definitely feel better now, but i was feeling a little special when i got home.
now it's off to bed. i'm incredibly tired.
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[17 Oct 2008|11:34pm] |
i suck at school... you'd think after being a terrible high school student i'd learn my lesson.
nope.
homework this semester has been unreal.. paper after paper.. presentations, tests, more presentations. and lets not forget that i haven't even touched the assignments for my history class.
fuuuuck. the biggest problem is that i pick up shifts at work whenever i can... therefore eliminating necessary homework time. but i so badly need the money that i almost have to pick up these shifts. it's a vicious cycle and i hate it.
fucccckkkkk danny. on the realz this time. he randomly texted me yesterday.. it went something like this..
danny: black. jesus.
me: come again?
danny: i dunno, i'm bored
me: haha alright. i've been thinking about you, i miss you (lie. i didnt say that, but i just wanted to be nice i guess.. i haven't been missing him). how's everything been going?
danny: decent. i'm on a set right now.. but it's the last day of shooting so i have nothing to do right now.
me: dude sweet! glad everything is going good. any plans for coming to chicago in the future?
danny: maybe xmas
.the end.
did he honestly just text me to tell me he was on a set? because not ONCE did he ask how i was or say that he misses me too. not even a what's up? hows it goin? nothing. just a whole bunch of "LOOK AT ME! I'M SO FUCKING AWESOME I WORK IN THE FILM INDUSTRY!!!" who cares?!? i'm not impressed. at first i was flustered that the text ended like that and he didn't seem to care about me in any way. but now it's humorous. really. the fact that someone can be such an ass makes me laugh... and come to think of it, i don't even know why i asked when he's coming home because i've had no urge to see him or hang out with him.
i did get a little sad about losing him the other day... i was listening to some decemberunderground and i thought about the day we went to get the album. we had just graduated and he had asked me the night before if i wanted to go get the cd with him the day it was released. he picked me up in the morning, we got it, and he decided we should get portillos because he still wanted to hang out. so we got lunch and then went back to his house to watch a movie and just hang out. this was his idea... this is when we were becoming really close. and then i started to think of my first trip to florida and how comfortable we were with hanging out without anyone else.. we were just so fun to be around. we really had a good bond for a while. at least i think we did. but it's so easy to forget how great of friends we were when he pulls the shit he did yesterday. even when he was dating holly he wasn't like this. he texted me once saying "jimmy eat world is on the radio and i thought of you. hope everything is going good. check out yo gabba gabba if you get the chance". haha. that made me smile (at the time).
i really need to write that letter... but he's such an ass he probably wouldn't even understand or care that he hurt me.
i am such a fatass lately. i've been eating out ridiculous amounts, it's almost an addiction these days. i wish i could work out but with all the fucking homework/work i have to do, there's literally no time. gah!!!
but heyyyy, christmas is coming. and even better, christmas music!!!
:)
okay i should go now. this shot by shot analysis i'm doing of across the universe is killing me.
it makes me sad that the only reason i post here is to bitch. seems like that's all i've done since june. i'm sorry :(
oh, and let me add that today was laura b's wedding. i've been on the verge of tears most of the day because i wasn't a part of it. i mean, part of me is sad, then the other part is angry... she kicked me out for no reason. literally, no reason at all. i stopped being friends with sara and mandie, and she got mad at me. she never even told me i was out of the wedding, i just figured it out over time. i remember last year when i said on myspace that i was done with the lady skulls (our dumb gang we made up for ourselves) and she commented back saying "good, we don't need you. seriously!!" so i called her and left a message saying i want to talk to her because i didn't know what i did to her personally to make her feel that way. this was almost a year ago to the date. she never called back and i haven't talked to her since.
i've been friends with her longer than kathryn, sara or mandie. i bonded with her a lot when i was dating jon... i just really feel like i missed out on something big. and everyone else got to experience it.
but then i also feel like.. well, if she can't even get her friendships straight in a mature manner, she shouldn't be getting married. ugh. it's just shitty. but i'm hanging out with kathryn all day tomorrow so i'm really excited for that.
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[05 Oct 2008|12:49am] |
ive literally had 10+ dreams about danny this past month.
during my nap today i had another.. i went to la to surprise him. soo i guess he was outside playing football with some friends and so i told maryanne i would just jump into the game and surprise him. but then he completely ignored me. and i woke up.
it was realistic though. and i'm sick of it. i don't want to think about him anymore, seriously.
what do these dreams mean?
and why am i fucking sick? damnit. i hate being sick when i have to work.
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[13 Sep 2008|12:10am] |
today while i was in the shower i realized i'm losing clumps of hair. i told my mom and she said she noticed a lot of my hair in the bathroom too. i'm truly too stressed out for my own good. i think it's because i owe so much money right now... money i don't have. i have to pay 120 bucks for 2 tickets before court on tuesday... 'cuz it becomes 240 if i don't. fuuuckk.
and i think i've just felt rushed lately. i'm always in a rush wherever i'm going. i need to start being prepared for things on time.
that's about it. i work 7am-2pm tomorrow.. then i'm gonna work out. shower. and go back to work 4-7. it's going to be a looonnng day :(
night!
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[08 Sep 2008|12:06am] |
i'm so happy with life right now i'm on the verge of tears.
i love my dad. i really do. he's so different now and i enjoy being around him. he's at a physical rehab home thing in roselle because he can live there for free. i visited him tonight and it was great. i brought portillos and we talked for 4 hours. the feeling i have inside is amazing. i hope he stays this way and doesn't take any steps backwards. i'm pretty positive he won't but with my luck who knows.
what a great feeling.
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[27 Jul 2008|03:25am] |
last night was... something else.
sara and i decided a few weeks ago to throw a christmas in july... especially because she'll be moving and won't be able to have parties anymore.
anyway, i wasn't going to go because work friends and i were going to see batman. yeah... didn't happen. awesome. since that fell through, i went to the party instead. i started off with 2 shots of vodka mixed with gatorade and lemonade. pretty good. then i mixed 2 shots with some dr. pepper. yummmy. then i mix another. that's all i remember doing. apparently sara gave me her drink and this girl katie made one for me. i'm told i had about 6 drinks altogether within 2 hours. probably not the best idea. my friends keith, dallas and peter came but i don't remember this at all. what's even more embarrassing is that at some point in the night i must've called them and told them to come. right.
i don't know when but i ended up passing out on the bathroom floor. i do remember keith coming in and hitting my head with the door. he told me i had to get up because he had to pee. i'm pretty sure i told him to use the other bathroom but i sat up anyway. i felt like i was on the roller coaster from hell and i held onto the toilet for dear life. then i puked. layed back down. got up, puked again. repeat 3 more times. i think sara was in there rubbing my back for a little bit. i started whimpering that i was terrified because after you puke you're supposed to feel better. i was still completely wasted after throwing up 5 times. i somehow made my way into the living room and sat on the chair with a bowl in my arms. kathryn came and sat with me... and rubbed my back as well haha. i asked her what happened to her when she was in the hospital [one of the security people at her school made an ambulance come and get her because she was puking from drinking]. she told me it didn't really help but i was convinced i wanted to go. then i passed out haha. kathryn fell asleep too with a drink in her hand. it ended up spilling all over me at some point. it was cold haha. i went on the floor and slept for a little. then moved to the couch after the guy who was on it left. kathryn and katie left so i got up to pee and got really dizzy and started to sweat. i realized i needed to puke one last time haha. when i was done i got a cold wet rag and laid down with sara in her bed. i got up around noon and left. we couldn't find my phone so i still don't know where it is. i slept for a few more hours today and then went to amrita's cd release show at the metro.
i can officially say i've thrown up from drinking. and i was the single most wasted person last night. this is a first and it will be the last. i felt like dying and i just wanted to sober up. ughh. maybe if i went and saw batman none of this would have happened haha.
bleh. fucking crazy night.
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[23 Jul 2008|01:14am] |
so... what's new with me?
not much, really.
my room is pretty messy and i owe tons of money to tons of people. that's a frustrating feeling.
i have 2 mosquito bites on my leg... i haven't been bitten by a mosquito since i was like 12. it's crazy!
i really like vince. but he's retarded with girls and i don't know what to do with him. do i give up, or do i hold out? he seems worth it. he's such a good person (minus that one comment he made) and he cracks me up. i'm always smiling or laughing when he's around. always. every tuesday we walk to our cars together since we both park in the employee parking lot. he's adorable and i can't wait to see him again on thursday. a few of us are going to see the dark knight at the IMAX theater on friday (i hope). it better work out.
danny texted me for the first time since i saw him right after florida. he pulled his "i'm moving to california soon we need to hang out" crap. seriously.. go.fuck.yourself. i don't want to see him before he leaves because i'm going to want to give him a piece of my mind... and it will be nasty. he treated me like total shit in florida and hasn't had the decency to contact me since. he's such a selfish person and i think i always knew that. but i always put that thought aside because i thought he was such a cool person. and he can be... but really, he's just a selfish spoiled prick. as soon as maryanne came along, he threw me out the window. i hope the poor girl knows what she's getting into.
i'm working full time again. it's poopie. but when i go back to school i'll be part time and i'll have changed positions. yes. remember when i was talking about being a locker room bitch for $10 an hour? still haven't gotten the raise. i'm supposedly getting reimbursed but i have no idea when. and i don't think my raise will have gone through this paycheck. gay.
i'm worried about school this semester. thanks to lifetime sending me my tax stuff in JUNE, i had to wait to do my financial aid crap. i just got an email saying i missed the deadline and now they need verification of my tax stuff. oh, and i won't get much aid. awesome. so i don't know what to do. because if my tuition and books aren't covered, i'll never be able to come up with that money. so i guess it's a wait and see kind of thing. who knows, maybe the vioxx money will come next month and i won't have to worry about aid. doubtful, but it doesn't hurt to wish.
hm. i love my cat. earlier i wrapped him up in my blanket and kissed him 100 times. i think he hates me but that's okay. he's my little guy. haha.
i'm convinced that i will be the crazy cat lady when i'm old.
:)
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[18 Jul 2008|03:36am] |
i saw the dark knight and it was fucking amazing.
it's a shame heath ledger isn't around to see how many people love this film... and him.
i can't wait to see it again!
EDiT:
okay whoa whoa whoaaaa. after imdbing some dk stuff, i saw that gordon was played by gary oldman. i had no fucking clue... only i did. because yesterday i was watching a review of the movie on the news and it was talking about the people at the premiere and he was mentioned. so i told myself to pay attention. totally slipped right past me. it must be the glasses, short hair and american accent that threw me off. fuck!
oh, and maroni was played by julia robert's brother. i couldn't figure out why he looked so familiar during the movie. now i realize that i recognize him from the the killer's video for mr. brightside.
so many realizations!
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[11 Jul 2008|01:20am] |
so here's my rant:
i'm not a girlie girl, really. i mean i wear makeup everyday and i make sure my hair is done... but i'm still not girlie. i don't whine very often, i don't pout, i don't get scared of the littlest things, and i don't act dumb. and to be quite frank, i'm proud of that. i like having a bit of an attitude and i like that i can stick up for myself. part of that is because of all the fucking shit i've been through. i've learned to be funny and to be sarcastic so that i can laugh. because if i'm not laughing, i'll break down. now, that's not meant to be taken literally [entirely]. but i really just push emotions deep down and cover it with sarcasm and wit.
but back to my main point here.
tonight i was at work and a co worker made a comment that actually hurt pretty bad. here's how everything went down...
2 guy co workers of mine were in the laundry room talking and what have you... another 3 go walking in so i say 'ew.. sausage fest, i'm outta here'. i close the door and then my friend kenny comes out laughing at what someone said. apparently someone said 'yeah well you have the biggest one of us all'.
what do i take of that? kenny said it was just a joke and it was something to laugh at, but i wasn't laughing. it's really embarrassing... because it leads me to believe that everyone thinks i'm just 'one of the guys'. well i'm not one of the fucking guys. i'm a girl and i wanted to be treated like one. i'm really sick of feeling manly, but i'm not going to change into an obnoxious girlie girl, because that's not who i am. i'm sorry i grew up with boys and can handle my own shit. and really, it's one thing to joke around with me to my face, but it's another to say something like that around a bunch of other people behind my back. i actually feel like crying right now because i'm taking such offense to that comment. am i overreacting?? ugh.
i guess the biggest kicker of this whole situation is that the guy who said it is the guy i've really started to like... and i didn't find out till way later that he's the one who said it. he's normally really nice to me and we get along so well. but what a turn off now.
again, i'm just sick of being 'one of the guys'. i really, really am.
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